Stop Blaming Yourself

Feelings of failure as a parent are common among those whose children have ADHD. No parent is perfect and its impossible to manage behaviours properly without first understanding them.

So give yourself a break, look at what you’ve done in the past that hasn’t worked and ask yourself why, rather than viewing this as evidence that you have failed. Parenting is a difficult enough job without piling blame on yourself.

Be open to the fact that you may also have ADHD

ADHD is the most heritable psychiatric disorder. This means that there is a high possibility that one or both of the parents of a child with ADHD also had it in childhood and still experiences some or all symptoms in adulthood.

ADHD can have a significant impact on an individual’s ability to function as a parent, which in turn can exacerbate your child’s ADHD symptoms.

If you think that you may have ADHD you should contact the group. We will be able to advise you on what you should do next and can provide you with support and strategies. If you are an adult who has already been diagnosed with ADHD, please see our Strategies for Adults.

Learn and Understand

By far the most important stage in managing behaviours is beginning to understand them. All behaviour is a form of conscious and subconscious communication. Until you begin to understand what the young person is communicating, the ways you respond to their behaviours could be doing more harm than good.

There is a lot of information out there, but not all of it is reliable. As well as signing up for our information sessions, have a look at our Guidelines and Information Resources page for the most trusted sources of information out there.

Seek Support

We know how hard it can be as a parent of a child with ADHD. There is no shame in accessing support services; in fact, some of the best parents we know can testify that accessing our support group changed theirs and their families lives. We offer opportunities to talk to other parents, learn of important information, receive advocacy services and representation at key meetings, and even just to call for emotional support. Whatever kind of support you are looking for, give us a call! You won’t regret it.

There are also a range of other forms of support available online, including forums and helplines. Get in touch and we can signpost you to these.

Establish clear boundaries

Your primary role is as your child’s guardian and caregiver, not their friend! If you get the balance wrong between parenthood and friendship, it can be very difficult to enforce discipline when it is an essential part of your child’s development.

It is natural for children to test and push boundaries if they are unclear. Make sure that what is and is not acceptable is clear to them and make sure that a house “code of conduct” is written down, to prevent future disagreements (“you never said that!”).

Ideally the boundaries should be the same for all children in the household. If the child with ADHD has particular difficulties (for example controlling their temper), then you should explain to them and their siblings why you are responding differently to them.

Set up an effective discipline system

Be proactive, not reactive. Set up a discipline system that is clear, simple, and written down. Discipline methods should reinforce appropriate and positive behaviours through a rewards system (see “incentivise good behaviours” below).

They should also respond to negative behaviours with time-outs and a loss of privileges, but these should be implemented consistently from the beginning.

Be careful to “protect” some of the activities that are an important part of your child’s life. An example might be not allowing your child to go to football practice because of bad behaviour at school. Football might be the only activity that your child gets a sense of accomplishment from all week.

Make sure that all adults who care for your child are consistent in the implementation of the discipline system or it simply won’t work!

Establish and maintain a consistent morning and evening routine

Mornings and evenings can be common periods of conflict in families affected by ADHD. One of the main reasons why mornings can be difficult is that those with ADHD often struggle both with sleep and with waking up. They find it difficult to manage their time, create mental “task lists” (i.e. shower, dress, breakfast, pack bag, bursh teeth, etc.) and can often become distracted.

Sleep is a common and significant problem for those with ADHD. A lack of sleep can significantly exacerbate ADHD symptoms. One of the ways you can improve your child’s sleep is to establish a consistent evening routine, with a curfew for stimulating activities such as screen time, followed by a “winding-down” period. Have a look at our guide for improving sleep.

Create timetables (visual timetables can be very effective for younger children, those with autistic spectrum conditions, and those with learning difficulties or disabilities), which break morning and evening routines down as much as possible into stages or “tasks”.

Help your child learn from their mistakes

Children with ADHD can often struggle to connect their negative behaviours with the consequences of these behaviours. In an understanding and compassionate way, help them to see the connection, reinforce that you are on their side but that what they have done is not appropriate, and explain why this is. Pictures can be a very effective way of doing this, especially for younger children.

Stay positive

It may sound obvious but positivity can be hugely important for those who frequently experience negative feedback to their behaviours, as well as depression. Praise is good but make sure it is specific. Positive feedback can lose its impact if children either don't understand why they are being praised or realise it isnt justified.

Be as brief as possible when giving instructions

Children with ADHD can struggle to take in too much information at once, particularly if the instruction is verbal. This can make them overwhelmed, embarrassed and anxious. Be clear and concise with your instructions and write them down or illustrate them with pictures wherever possible.

Incentivise good behaviours

ADHD can impair the "reward" system of the brain, meaning that those with ADHD will often not receive the same kinds of internal rewards for good behaviours as their peers. It can be helpful to create your own reward system in the home. Children can respond well to being involved in the setting-up of incentive schemes. Involve them in the discussion and have them consider what is a fair reward for specific behaviours. Make sure the system is regularly "refreshed" to avoid it becoming stale.

Plan and set routines

Children with ADHD can have huge difficulties transitioning between activities and completing tasks that involve a number of "sub-tasks", for instance, getting ready for school or getting ready for bed. Help them by breaking activities into task lists and visualising the day, week and even month for them.

Be ready to intervene early

Every child has their own "warning signs". Remember, children with ADHD often struggle with emotional regulation. If your child becomes visibly frustrated or over-stimulated, intervene early (but calmly), using a distraction, such as an alternative appealing task . It can help to talk your child through previous situations that became difficult to help them understand why you might intervene in the future.

Encourage exercise

Regular exercise is hugely important for a child with ADHD. Research has shown that it can significantly reduce typical ADHD symptoms and improve their sleep, which itself can be a significant factor in mitigating ADHD symptoms. Make sure the exercise is not too close to bedtime as it can take a long time for a child with ADHD to settle after exercise.

Treat a good night’s sleep as a necessity

Poor "sleep hygiene" has been shown to exacerbate ADHD symptoms. Stick to a regular routine at bedtime (and in the morning) to help the child get used to the transition. A long period of "settling down" should be implemented, during which the child should avoid overstimulating activities, such as video games and television. Televisions (and consoles) in bedrooms can be a huge source of conflict, especially when it is time to switch them off and go to bed. Try to keep the bedroom as a place for low stimulation activities. Reading has been shown to lower heart rate and encourage good sleep hygeine.

Be willing to compromise

If three out of four tasks have been completed but your child is showing warning signs, perhaps that's enough for today. As a caregiver, it is not always easy to know how much your child is capable of. There will be an inevitable process of determining whether they are trying to manipulate their way out of doing what they've been asked to or are simply incapable of more for now. It is possible to achieve a "firm but flexible" balance, but it can take time and work.

Stay calm

Children mimic behaviours. If you are dealing with a child who is in a heightened emotional state, the best thing you can do is remain calm (but not cold). It may take some time (years for some) but every time your child will be observing the way you respond and will eventually have developed the self control to try to do the same. Sometimes all it can take is one time when they kept their cool for them to learn how much better they feel when they reign in their emotions.

Look after yourself

You need to be at the top of your game to support children with ADHD well. If you are physically and emotionally exhausted you could actually be doing more harm than good. Make sure you take breaks whenever you can, going for a walk, to the gym, or reading a book away from the kids.